Yearning

Have you ever wanted something so much it hurt when you didn't get it?  Have you ever realized that you did not even want that thing until you had been passed over on it?  That is where I am at right now.  I have worked very hard to try and make something happen, to learn a new skill, and to be the best that I can be to others that I am able to.  If you do not know what I am talking about, I am in the passed over for belt promotion blues in my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class.  I have been a white belt for about a year and a half and even though I know that I am not quite good enough to be a blue belt, I am sad that I did not get the nod for promotions this Saturday.  I do not know how to get better and I know that we all earn our ranks at different speeds and I should be happy that I just turned 34 the other day and have been blessed with a body that is able to learn a martial art, but I'm not.  I feel that I have let myself down.  I have pushed myself to be better but I am unable to get better.  I for whatever reason have spiraled down a rabbit hole of self doubt as I think of all the things that I could do better.

The funny thing is I know that this belt is just a stepping stone on the path to knowledge.  I know that it should not define me as a human being, or give me a sense of self worth.  I had started to believe that maybe I had something, that maybe I had grown a little more as a martial artist and was ready to show that I could step up my game and be the best that I can be.  Oh well I need to take this pain and self doubt and tell it to shove it.  I have worked extremely hard to get where I am, and maybe it is time for me to work that much harder.  I will have to learn how to push myself to be better every day.  I think in order to do that I have to do a couple of things, which will be difficult but not impossible.

First, I need to stop eating and drinking stuff that is not good for me.  My diet has left me lethargic and unable to perform anything to the best of my ability.  I have faith that if I get my eating habits under control the good will come.  I will be pushing myself to substitute all added sugar out of my diet and get into better shape through the diet that I have.

Second, I need to hit the gym.  It is not enough to just go to jiujitsu and think that I am getting fit.  No, I need to work my hardest to make myself a better person.  That means that I need to start putting on some strength that will help me to compete with those around me and help me get better at what I do.

Third, I need to start asking God for some help.  I have been trying to balance so much in my life and have been failing miserably.  I will be asking and thanking God for all that I do in my life at all times.  I was raised in a very spiritual church and I know the power that is God, and I will be trying to live better through that so that I can come closer to Him.  

Sorry for taking so much time on a rant, but I have been told that the best writing comes from emotion.