Anxiety!

 In the Full House reboot there is a character that yells "Anxiety!" whenever he feels life spinning out of control.  Today I feel that way.  I feel that the world is closing in on me and I have no way to handle the pressures.  Music is only doing so much, looking into different aspects of pop culture is not giving me the joy that it is giving me, and I feel very frustrated with society at large. 

One of the joys of having a mind riddled by anxiety right now is that I am having some amazing dreams.  Last night I had a doozy of a dream that I would like to share with you all and hopefully you enjoy it as much as I did.

The dream begins with me as a contestant in some sort of "Got Talent" type of competition.  I am not myself.  I am a young man with a disability, my subconscious mind labeled it MS but I didn't move as if I was afflicted by that disease.  For some reason I had shaved my head and drawn a face to the back of my head, put on all of my clothes backwards, and walked out to the center of the stage.  I took my position, lowered my head and waited for the music to start. A strong bass line struck followed by a fun snare program and I started to dance, the song was "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley and I danced and sang what was on my mind.  It felt liberating as I moved, my back always facing the audience but still able to see their reactions from the mirror that was in front of me.  I rocked it.  It was a great feeling.  As the last note struck I turned around to take my bow and was greeted by silence. Nobody was reacting the way that I had thought I saw them react in the mirror during my performance.  I was greeted by a single person in the middle of the crowd clapping slowly.  I was hoping it would be like the movies but nobody else joined in and I left the stage dejected and heart broken. 

The very next scene placed me as the host of the talent show.  I was dumbstruck to see nobody cheering on what was an amazing performance.  I was so mad that the audience would not give this young man with a disability any of the accolades they were giving the able bodied contestants.  I took the stage and berated them for their lack of empathy, their lack of attention, and their rudeness. I said everything that I have been feeling about society today as it surfaced at that moment.  I finished with a reprimand on how they were too busy staring at their phones to see true talent in front of them. I stormed off the stage to find the young man.

The dream then jumped to the last scene. I was myself once more getting a hot beverage in my childhood houses basement (dreams are strange) and I was talking to one of my current coworkers.  I looked her in the eye and lamented that I was done trying to share talent with a world that didn't care. I confided that we were stuck in a show that was just as divisive as any social media platform and that I was leaving the show because I couldn't be a part of it. At this point I woke up to "Crazy" playing in my mind over and over again.

I am not sure what this dream means.  I can only guess that I am feeling a burn out at work, that I feel that my creative ventures are going nowhere, but I feel that I am still making worthy content.  No matter the hidden meaning of this dream I feel that this dream spoke to me and put to images what my mind and body have been feeling for a very long time. We as a society need to be better. 

Beginning The Music Business

 I am doing it!

I am doing something that I never thought would happen!

I am pushing myself to be the best that I can be in a creative venture.  I have the goals of working on producing and recording EDM music.  I want to write lyrics, produce music, and overall increase my reach on this crazy little thing called the internet. I know that this is a strange goal, especially for a 30 something year old who has never really stuck to anything.  I am finally working on some stuff that feels like it is a niche that I want to fill.  That being said this blog will become a dumping ground for poetry, album reviews, bits of music that I am working on/thinking about, and a look at my journey as I work towards this stupid dream.  So here we go, I want to share my goals with you all.  

Year One:

At the end of year one I will have 10 tracks available to stream on Soundcloud. I will have mastered my DAW (Digital Audio Workstation), and I will have 10 followers on my SoundCloud.

Year Five:

I will have the ability to stream my songs on Spotify, apple music, and other sources.  I will have mastered the ukulele, learned the basics of DJing, and set myself up for a lasting success. 200 followers on Soundcloud.

Year Ten:

By the end of year ten I will have had at least one paid show under my belt, Have at least one track circulating by a major record label, Be making at least 5,000 a month in royalties, and have 1,000 followers on Soundcloud

Year 25:

After 25 years I will have retired from making music.  Be making around 10,000 per month in royalties from people still playing my music or sampling my creations, Run a successful music blog where I highlight what is coming out on the music scene.

This is the roadmap of my career.  I know that some of these goals are lofty but I do feel that I will be able to do anything here that I set my mind to.  I will be working hard over the next week trying to learn and master some of my songs.  

Keep an eye out here for some looks at songs and beats that I feel are influential to myself and that we want to share with the world.  

Dev Diary 2: Problems Learning (Project Aquarius)

I have been working hard to try and find a way to make all my dreams come true with this game.  I have given it a project name now:  "Project Aquarius"  This has nothing to do with the final project but I thought it would be better to give it a name rather than keep referring to it as, "my game."  I have realized that the biggest problems that I am facing right now is the lack of knowledge that I currently have.  I am not afraid to learn but I do feel that I am trying to learn too much too fast and that I am not giving myself time to slow down and have fun with the exploration of the new software that I have been working within.  That being said I keep changing and updating my to do list, so here is the newest version of said list.  We will be updating it and adding project samples as I get a little more down for the game itself.

To Do:

• Finish the Unity Tutorial series
• FPS
• Cart Game
• Sandbox
• RPG
• Scripting
• Finish the Intro to Blender Tutorial
• Level 1
• Level 2
• Level 3
• Level 4
• Title Screen
• Artwork
• Coding
• Asset Creation
• Main Character
• Male
• Female
• Character Allies
• 2 for pre alpha build
• Mobs
• Outer
• Inner
• Manor
• Boss
• Animations
• Scripting First Level

Started:

• Loot Tables
• Abilities
• Mechanics Rough Sketch

Finished:

• Monster Stat sheet for Outer Mobs
• Rough Outline of Demo Zone
• Demo Classes

I know that for most of you this will mean absolutely nothing, but I am excited to keep updating it and making it work as we continue to grow through this development process.  I can say that I have a better appreciation for folks that work in the industry and hopefully I will be able to add my stamp to it in some way.  If nothing more than detailing a game project from start to finish.  

Game Dev Diary 1

Today I have taken my first steps towards building this amazing game, I have started to play around with a 3D modeling program to learn a bit about how to make nodes and I have downloaded a few different game developer tools.  One, godot, is very code heavy and has a steep learning curve.  The engine seems powerful enough, if not a little slow at the rendering.  I am not sure if I will be using this one, but it does seem to be a lot of fun to play around with.  I also downloaded the unity engine, which is capable of a broader reach, though I fear that I will start to get sucked into the perfectionist status that I seem to be doing.  We will have to see which one I end up using after I play through some of the tutorials.

Today I worked one hour on this new passion project and found that I have a solid idea.  I was able to lay out some of the functionality of the main menu and what I want it to be able to do.  I need to continue to work through youtube videos in order to make sure that I am able to produce the code required for the project.  This week will be a bit more of the planning and learning phase of this game development.  I believe that I have a solid idea I just don't know where to begin which is causing a lot of stress.  I am excited to jump in and start coding some actual play of a game, but I know that in order to do it justice I need to slow down and make things work a little at a time.

Road Ahead:

• Learn how to model in Blender
• Start to layout and create buttons for the main menu UI
• Work through a tutorial for the Unity Engine
• Code the utility of the opening menu in the game
• Start to brainstorm starting zone
• Starting stats
• Starting gear
• experience points per level
• design.

I will keep you all posted on progress as I get where I need to get.  I thank you for coming in and joining me as I work through some of the kinks of being a brand new game designer.

The Day After Blizzcon!

I have a strange thing that I decided to do today, the day after BlizzCon.  I have been so inspired by the wonderful creations of, in my opinion, one of the best video game companies to exist, and downloaded a game design tool.  I am relatively new to coding, but have always had a lot of very creative ideas that float around in my head from time to time.

My latest idea has been used within the confines of a Dungeons and Dragons campaign that I have been building.  I don't want to go into too much detail but I thought this campaign would be amazing for a video game and so I have started to learn code in a way to bring this creation to the world.  I don't know why but the idea of creating something for the world is both very exciting and extremely terrifying as well.

I was talking to my wife as I started to learn all that I could about this game development software and said, "you know what? I think that even if I do sell a game, if it doesn't sell it could become a great addition to a portfolio."  I think that is what I am going to be doing.  I am going to be creating a hobby project and build a game that I have always wanted to play.  I will be working through the tutorials at the beginning to build up a skill set and from there I will be moving forward and kicking butt at game design.

I am always super excited after BlizzCon every year, but this year I feel a greater push towards becoming what I have always dreamt of becoming.  I will be a successful content creator and I am excited to be here and being a part of it with you all.

Getting Back Into the game

With all of my goals I have lost sight of what is important in my life.  I know this sounds like I am about to go all deep and start to show you all that I am a deeper and more thoughtful person, but no, the real reason I started this project is because I love video games.  This is a total shocker right?  Well it shouldn't be.  I have always loved games and the goals I set for myself makes it seem a little less for the love of the game and a little more for the love of my self promotion.  I want to apologize for looking at this community as a group of numbers rather than as a community.

That stops today!!!!!  I will not be sharing my weekly stats any more, I will not be pushing for people to follow or support me in any way, but I will be bringing straight content for the sake of content.   I recently have been given an opportunity to rediscover one of my favorite games through group content and have been having a blast doing so.  Oh man, I cannot tell you all enough how wonderful it has been to play these games and not feel alone in what I am doing.

If you want to check out our group playing these amazing games together head on over to twitch.tv/jpalm316 on Wednesday night at 8:00 pm mst.  We have been having a blast and my buddy John has been doing a great job putting together some amazing content for you all.

If you are bored on a Saturday morning or a Sunday afternoon swing on over to my channel at twitch.tv/wylesco for some fun laid back gaming.  We have been having a lot of fun working through the main story of Elder Scrolls Online as well as a few off streams of Stardew Valley.

I have been having a wonderful time learning more about myself and the gaming industry as a whole and look forward to many more opportunities as I progress through this great journey.  I have really enjoyed seeing how much I have grown these last few weeks and cannot wait to see where I go to in the future.

Day 32: Feelings, all we have are Feelings!!!!!

This is going to be a strange post.  I try not to do this but sometimes when you are so busy trying to put yourself out there, change your stars, or just overall work towards a better tomorrow you get caught up in all of your short comings.  I have been going down a rabbit hole of self doubt and battling the feelings of failure as they happen.  Today I was feeling that my head was above water finally when my wife hit me with the ten ton hammer of her own feelings of self doubt.  Oh boy what a crazy jerk those judgmental feelings can be, if you don't fend them off they have a way of coming in and wrecking all that is good in your life.  As we were talking I told my wife that what I do when the world is crashing down on me is mentally vomit all over a page through my writing.  I was honest in what I told her as that is what I normally do, though this last week I haven't been able to do so.  I feel that I have been too busy judging myself to put down some truth bombs on paper.  So here we go I am about to drop some truth bombs on this page.

The failures of January.

• I promised myself that I would write one post a day just to keep my head on straight, already I have failed that task.  Hopefully February is a little better.
• I promised myself that I was going to grind for 4 more followers on twitch and though I have had a lot of fun streaming I have gained a big whopping zero on the follower front.
• Twitter has told me that I am on an upward trend but every day I log on and see that more people have left my page, I'm silently judging myself on the fact that I don't have tough enough skin to just let it slide.
• social media is freaking hard.  I hate it but I love it at the same time
• I missed a week of streaming when I probably could have done it just fine.  

The successes of January.

(I like to end my mental vomit on a sweet note so that the acidity doesn't smell too bad.)

• I have stopped making excuses and have finally started to put myself out there.
• I have experienced an amazing uptick in creativity and am constantly looking for ways to improve myself
• I have met some amazing people on this journey so far and I look forward to meeting many more along the way.

Sometimes we are our own worst judges.  We take so much time telling ourselves that we are not good enough that we start to believe it.  If I had one wish it would be that everyone realizes that they are worthwhile and not a failure.  No matter the circumstances there is always something going right in our lives.